As I’ve mentioned before, I haven't written or talked a lot about my personal life in this Journal, but this is one of those times that I hope that something I write or share might help someone else. In Atlanta I did concerts and cabaret evenings that focused on my personal journey.
Though this isn't a song or show...the journey continues...and I am grateful for that.
For the last few months I’ve been on a personal spiritual journey to really understand Forgiveness. I thought, as I shared in some of my shows, that I knew what forgiveness was and is.
I didn’t.
One evening, about six months ago, I was shown - through my spiritual life - that I didn’t truly know what forgiveness was. If I did, I would be able to forgive people who have hurt me the most. The one's you love the most can hurt you the deepest. I told myself that I had forgiven anyone and everyone in my life who had caused me some kind of pain.
It was true. I had...I had let forgiveness take me as far as I wanted go.
I had farther to go, if I would walk it.
I started thinking and praying about forgiveness. God revealed to me that if I truly wanted a spirit of forgiveness...I would have to forgive someone who had never asked and who had no desire to be forgiven. It costs you everything if you choose to forgive the one who hurt you the deepest.
For me it meant that I would have to forgive someone who had lied and betrayed me. Abandoned me. Someone who left me with no answers and twice as many questions.
I made the decision that the next time I was in Atlanta...I would find this person and forgive them.
This was that trip.
A few weeks ago, I called my Ex and made arrangements to meet up for coffee while I was in town.
Our time together, my first serious relationship, had been scarred by dark chapters that overshadowed anything good I experienced. A relationship that had defined me as a man had left me hurt.
We met for coffee near my old apartment, just North of downtown Atlanta. For several minutes we spoke about the past couple of years of our separate lives - since there has been no communication on either of our parts. Then I told him the reason I had called him out of the blue a few weeks ago.
I told him about my Journey of Forgiveness and how every time I had talked about it, God had gently reminded me that I had someone I needed to forgive if I really wanted to understand what Forgiveness meant.
I was afraid that if I forgave that I was saying that the pain, betrayal, lies and wounds to my soul hadn’t happened. I learned just the opposite. I learned that it means it did happen. Not only did it happen but I survived it. Forgiveness is a softer landing for your heart than holding the pain in its place.
I had thought and believed that I had forgiven him years ago. I wasn’t wearing the end of the relationship like a badge of hurt, but I did keep the stories and pain close at hand if I needed to call on them. I no longer thought bad of him, but I didn’t think good of him either. I felt nothing. Apathy.
I felt nothing - which is worse.
I had mentioned to several close friends what I intended to say. One remarked, “Are you really going to use those words? Are you really going to say, ‘I forgive you.’”
I said, “Yes. Those exact words.”
I don’t think we use them enough. How different would our world be today if our first line of defense was forgiveness verses fighting. What if we used words and not war. What if we, America, led the world by example? What if after 9/11 we acknowledged and absorbed our loss and then went to those who attacked us and said, help us understand your hatred. Help us understand how you feel wronged. Would it have worked? I don't know. Was it worth a shot? Absolutely.
I did forgive and I used the words, “I forgive you.”
The response was gratitude and tears. A healing was planted.
My hurt, my relationship, my life...are so small on a global scale. Then again, how do we measure pain?
We’re moving into a season of Peace on Earth...and a New Year. Peace is my goal.
Join me?
