When 9/11 happened I wasn't living here yet. I didn't feel and still don't feel that I could write about it as a New Yorker. I was living in Atlanta and sitting at my desk when it happened. I remember not believing it when I first heard the news. I thought it was a small plane, a confused pilot. I didn't comprehend that it was an attack...that it would reduce the World Trade Center to piles of rubble.
I had just been here in NYC on vacation. I had flown back to Atlanta on Sunday evening, having been here to see Heather Headley in the musical Aida before her final performance. So much changed between that long weekend in the city and that Tuesday morning.
Now...8 years later...I live here. Since living here I've only been to Ground Zero once...and even then I could not stay. When my parents were here a year ago they had mentioned going down to the where the towers once stood.
We walked into St. Paul's. The small church is within a block from Ground Zero, yet not a single window was broken with the collapse of the towers. The church houses a collection and memorial to those who gave their lives trying to save whoever they could.
The atmosphere was somber and I could feel tremendous heartache and loss around me. I looked at the pews and saw they were scuffed and scratched from where firefighters had stretched out, still in their gear, making an attempt to rest before return to the search.
As I absorbed what I could around me...I became overwhelmed and knew that would be able to accompany my parents to the actual site. The place...these few blocks here in Manhattan...resonated with me.
A lot of the songs I finished a week or two ago but I'm trying to balance out when they're posted. This is a good mix.
The first, Go to Him, is reflective of a relationship that is caught - maybe in its own evolution. As I've said before, unrequited love is the basis for many songs. This is one of those instances. Sometimes when you're too close to that person who's wanting to be close to someone else - you lose your perspective.
The next song, Unguarded, is from last weekend. It is a sexy, summer song...that I wrote close to midnight on the train coming back from White Plains, New York. When I re-read it - I feel like I should've written it while sitting on the stoop to my building or while stretched out in Central Park. The song is about complete abandon...running headfirst into a crush. That first smile. That first look. I imagine this taking place on my New York City rooftop during a block party.
Something More is the last song and is one of my recent favorites. This song is about discovering and striking that balance when a new relationship is growing into...well...something more. There are little things that happen, when you least expect them, that let you know you're falling in love. Then there are the not-so-little things...when you find yourself making space to incorporate someone else into your life. Those experience are my favorites...I like those tell-tale signs that you're completely falling for someone...when you catch yourself saying "we" and "us" instead of "me" or "mine."
There are a collection of little things that make you a New Yorker...over time. One of them is religiously referring to the weekly magazine: TIME OUT NEW YORK. Last week I noticed that there is a free tour of the famed Plaza hotel twice a week. One of them was today, at 3pm. I had errands to do today but I made time to get up to the south end of Central Park to check it out. There is so much history wrapped up in this beautiful landmark. The pictures came out a little fuzzy because they encourage you not to use flash photography inside.
I was off today...and it was a great day just to catch up. I slept in and did some things around my apartment. Then I did more writing and I ran some errands.
While running errands I saw that my friend Carmen Agra Deedy's new book 14 Cows for America was out on beautiful display at the Barnes & Nobel on the Upper East Side (at 86th Street and Lexington Avenue).
Earlier this month the book received a wonderful review in the Wall Street Journal and I've been passing it along to my friends and family.
I can't wait to see how the life of this book unfolds in the weeks and months ahead. This is an incredibly moving story about an African tribe's response to news that America had been attacked and wounded on September 11th.
Though some may bill this as a 9/11 book - it is really a true account that captures the beauty of the human spirit. How complete strangers could ask, "What can we do?" speaks to the heart of what it is to be human.
I hope you'll check it out...you'll be better for it.
Some other reviews:
"...elegant sentences...The suspenseful pace is especially striking when surrounded by Gonzalez's exquisite colored pencil and pastel illustrations. The colors of Kenya explode off the page..." -School Library Journal * STARRED REVIEW *
"...gentle yet piercing present-tense prose...A stirring, heartwarming tale that made headlines when it happened-and is now, thankfully, preserved on the page for children." -Kirkus Reviews
"...just as affecting for adults as it is for kids." -Cookie Magazine Online
"...the words and the glowing mixed-media illustrations show empathy and connections across communities..." -Booklist
Back in March of this year had the honor and privilege of flying home to Atlanta for the wedding of my pastor Connie to her partner, Karen. It is always good to be back in Atlanta and my trip was made even more special by sharing in their special day.
As a wedding gift I wrote a song for the two of them called Witness to My Life. This marks only my second "Wedding"-style song, the first being Let Me Walk Beside You which wrote (and sang with music written by Dennis Lewallen) for my brother's wedding.
After experiencing such an incredibly beautiful, moving ceremony - I scrapped the song with a promise to revisited it. A couple weeks ago I sat down with the lyrics and these photos from the ceremony and started again.
With their permission, I'm sharing it here.
Witness to My Life
For Connie & Karen
3/14/09, 3/19/09 8/11/09
v1
This is the story
Of you and me
One and one
Upheld by many
The writing of our history
Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Grounded in the grace of ages
We have found what we will name as True
I have found love
I have found you
Chorus
Be a witness to my love
Be a witness to my life
As my love
As my life
In a million moments
Threaded through thousands of days
Every season beautiful
Every season difficult
Stand beside me
And I beside you
v2
This testimony
Of you and me
Reaches beyond here
For all to see
Honoring Love’s mystery
Above all in this life it’s you I promise to treasure
So fresh off vacation - I had a day off from work yesterday. I had some errands to run but I decided that if I did nothing else I would re-visit the High Line Park.
In June the High Line opened and
it is one of my favorite spots in NYC. Before the famous subway went underground it ran on rails above ground. Those tracks have long been abandoned and an eye-sore.
Several years ago a group of guys decided to transform the rails into an above ground park. Using wildflowers and the original tracks the park currently runs from Gansevoort Street to 20th Street. Eventually it will continue up the West side of Manhattan to Javitts Convention Center.
It is beautiful. I love the concept and how its been executed. It is a great escape that incorporates both the concrete and steel and nature of Manhattan.
I went down close to sunset...I walked. I read. I had my journal with me but before I had a chance to settle again I heard a familiar French voice. I looked to my right and saw my friend Luc sitting on a bench talking to a lady who had lost her camera. Within 5 minutes we were joined by Luc's boyfriend (and dear pal of mine) Marcos. Once again I had smile and laugh that even in a city of 8 million...it is still possible to run into someone you know.
When I got back to my neighborhood and was leaving the subway station at 116th Street...the sky had opened up and it was pouring rain. It was a deluge. Lightening and thunder sparked and cracked across the sky and the streets flooded.
I ran home and was soaked through and through...but it was still a wonderful day. I spent the last couple hours, before going to bed, working on a couple more songs. I'm working on a love song to New York City...it is a city that constantly inspires and challenges. There's no where else like it in the world. My love song for NYC (can't give away the title just yet) isn't finished...so I thought I would share another love song.
Planets and Stars is a romantic, intimate love song. Some of my friends say that I write a lot about heart ache and longing...this song will prove them wrong. This song is all about falling in love and closeness.
Here's another song from my writing days at the beach...
It's called Overdue Love Song. I wanted this song to be playful and honest...with an emphasis on honest.
This song was written from the vantage point of being a writer and artist but not using that creative force in a relationship until it's too late. For whatever reasons I tend to write more before or after a relationship...something to work on...
Overdue Love Song 8/13/09, 8/15/09
v1 This is it This is the one It should’ve been written Way before We were done
There’s no counting The stars in the sky Or missed Opportunities But this is a chance If only for the record A second chance For days past to be rediscovered
Chorus Here it is A half-ass explanation Here it is now, Eyes-wide resignation An apology To you, from me For knowing what was right While I got it wrong Here it is Just an overdue love song
v2 Hear from me I wasn’t blind You were truly beautiful I was lucky To call you mine
You were deserving Of knowing me Not just my Insecurities Run from yes to maybe There is no excuse Only a maybe Lost inspiration or a misplaced Muse
Bridge One day, should you hear this song On the radio You won’t even have to second guess You’ll just know Sure it’s too little, too late That’s how I know, Some times in life, we create our own fate
So my good friend Rebecca passed along the movie version of the musical HAIR. She'd heard me ranting and raving about the Broadway revival of the musical and couldn't believe I hadn't seen the film.
The movie is very different from the current incarnation running on Broadway. The story is more fleshed out in the film and the stage version lightly supports a story while exploding the music.
One thing the movie has that I'm loving is choreography by the legendary Twlya Tharp.
I love the whole vibe and energy of this musical...gives me the feeling that I was born at the wrong time in history.
I think what I respond to is the images of peace, love and expression. Those are voices we desperately need these days.
I head back to work tomorrow and that gave me some time run errands and transition back into NYC life.
While I was out running errands I popped over to Byrant Park and officially traded in the past few days of soaking in the sun at the beach to soaking in the sun (and noise) of the city.
I had my journal with me so I decided to grab a chair and sit at one of the small, green cafe tables and write for a bit. I realized that I had been away for a week and even with amble time I had not cracked my journal once.
I had been busy with song writing...so that kinda counts, right? My songs have always been like mini-snapshots of a journal. That's one of the reasons I date my songs...if someone ever wants to...they can take my Journal, this BLOG and my songs and line up and have a biography that's ready to go.
Since the trip was so productive for me artistically, I gave myself a break on not writing in my journal.
In the park today, under the great canopy of trees (pictured above), I was able to catch up a bit in my journal. Reading back over today's entry I noticed that it did borrow heavily from a couple of the songs I wrote last week.
Speaking of songs...
Here's another one to share...this one is a hybrid. I started writing it months ago and yesterday, while waiting at the airport, I deconstructed it, reconstructed it and got it finished. I want a better title but for now it will have to do....it's called Through.
I have several songs to share but since Bring Me Bruises was darker, I wanted something lighter and happier...Through.
This song is about being out of a relationship...and not really looking. Then someone, unexpectedly, makes it through to you.
Through
11/08, 8/15/09
v1
You
You of all people
Made it in record time
You stumbled right into this heart of mine
Unprepared, unaware
Of walls I can quickly mortar
And reckless traps I’ve been known to lay
Keeping ones like you at bay
But now here you are
Here you are
Chorus
Now, what do I say?
Now, what do I do?
When the one who didn’t even have to try
Made it through
I lose my defenses
You bring me back to my senses
Like only you know how to
So, now, what do I do?
v2
You
You of all the ones
Who came bravely before
You came in bringing less but demanding more
Unsuited, unaffected
Of how I made myself
With my self-trained power of persuasion
Making me easy to abandon
But now here you are
Here you are
Chorus
Bridge
Past broken hearts, played tricks on me
Turned me into someone, I gave myself the excuse to be
If there’s any chance for safety, any chance at all
Trying to get home from the airport at midnight, isn't one of them. My checked bag was delayed coming off the plane and I missed not one but two M60 buses (my $2 key back into Manhattan).
When midnight came and went...I sucked it and got a cab. I just wanted to be home. We all know that feeling...being away and just wanting to walk through our own door.
It was a full day of traveling...from leaving the beach to hanging out in the Tampa airport for 6+ hours. I'm very proud that I put the time to good use...I worked on 10 songs, finishing 6 of them.
The first is a song I started four or five years ago...the title, Bring Me Bruises, came to me again while I was walking on the beach a few nights ago. I don't know whatever happened to the original I started writing so long ago, so I sat down and started from scratch.
This song came out of the ending of a relationship...and it's a little darker, heavier. There was a lot of back and forth...and questioning and second-guessing. I became a safety net when the grass ended up not being greener.
Bring Me Bruises 8/15/09
v1 Your eyes Brings no solace Your touch No longer sets me free Outside of the pain It’s left me ambivalent to your answers When you try to explain
You say you hurt Like me You say you wish I could see
Chorus I say Bring me bruises Come back When you are Wearing evidence Bring me bruises Return When your proof Is real experience
v2 Your heart Shares no memory Your words Hold no shred of salvation Hanging in the air It’s no longer left up to you To decide how I care
You say you learn I know You say you feel What I show
Chorus
Bridge The extremes From lost dreams Sends me so far Away from you Come back when You’re wearing scars
I'm NYC bound and enjoying the free Wi-Fi at the Tampa International Airport.
I was hoping to snag an early flight back...and I could've...for $50. It would've gotten me home 2 hours earlier, but I couldn't justify it. Then I checked in and discovered to check just one bag it would be $20.
So it was $20 I had to pay vs. $50 I could pay...so I took, literally, the lesser of two evils.
The airport has amble electrical sockets, so I can charge my computer....catch up on Facebook-ing...and work on a couple new songs (Bring Me Bruises is one I finished today...look for it in a future post).
Last night I was able to meet up with some old friends in Titusville and enjoy an incredible seafood dinner at Dixie Crossroads. I don't have a lot of traditions or rituals...but when I'm vacationing in Cocoa Beach, I set aside one night to go to Dixie Crossroads and indulge.
And that's just what I did. Lobster, Rock Shrimp, Scallops, Crab legs, etc. Delicious.
I woke up early this morning and went out on the small balcony and just soaked in the humid beach air. I listened to the waves crashing as the sun rose slowly over the water.
It wasn't long before I had to be a part of it.
I put on my swimsuit and hit the beach for the last time.
This time I didn't spend time stretching out in the sun. I went straight to the water. I dove, swam and rode waves for an hour or so. There was a small storm over night and that brought in a lot of strong rolling waves. I considered it Poseidon's parting gift.
I packed things up and headed west. I'm here 6 full hours before my flight and making the most of it.
I recently came across a Tony Kushner quote from his play Angels in America. "Failing at Love is not the same thing as not loving."
That has stayed with me.
As a human. As a lover. As a writer...I tend to meditate on relationships...a lot. I find myself doing that more and more these days. I'm intrigued by what makes them work, grow and soar...or crumble under their own weight.
I have no answers...I simply absorb. And write.
A week ago I spent the afternoon with an "Ex" (Two letters that in no way, shape or form fill in the holes of who two people are to each other...even after they cease being.). During this middle of the day conversation I learned that he was now seeing someone else; information that should not have come as a surprise.
But the heart is tricky.
I was happy and thrilled...and said so. When I left and was walking home, I was left to once again take our history a part and put it back together.
I did and it became the song...To See You Happy.
I wrote it quickly, in one sitting. Everything just seemed to flow as it was being sifted. I read over it and filed it away.
Three days into my vacation (and riding the current wave of posting songs I've written) the song kept waiting on me to be ready to share it. I knew I couldn't share it without a blessing of some kind.
So I sent it off.
Yesterday I got a phone call and the blessing. I also had the opportunity to talk through the song...start to finish with him. It was one of the most healing and honest conversations of recent memory.
This is the song...despite what I've written above in the last few paragraphs...in my head I hear this as upbeat, hopeful and affirming song. A declaration. If we love someone then seeing them happy is it's own kind of reward.
To See You Happy 8/6/09 For ARB
v1 So this is how it feels When enough time has past Making things real Get a little distance Allow the hurts to heal From here I can look at you and finally understand I was many things Just not enough to be your man
Chorus It’s good To see you happy And now To see you happy Means so much to me It’s right To see you happy So good To see you happy As you deserve to be
v2 I will let the future thaw And just rest outside the past Though it still feels raw Trips my tongue Sticks to my jaw Doesn’t come easy to call you a friend Given our history But our lives will let us write the end
Bridge I can hold the memory He’ll hold you, instead of me It’s gentle ache To acclimate myself to A quiet break I appreciate when I see you
On a completely different note...
The other day I finished a song I started and shelved well over a year ago. This song...well, it's just plain fun. It was fun to explore and write.
Based completely on an imaginary relationship (i.e. a crush)...this song is about giving everything up to be with the one you want.
Take Texas 4/5/08, 8/10/09, 8/11/09
v1 You and me What do you know We’re both here Country music on the radio I can find myself Lost again From the start Wrapped in you Two country boys at heart
Chorus Never thought No, I never thought This New York City boy Could be tempted To take Texas But here I am Yes, Here I am Trading the subway for the sky If it means getting an “us” Out of you and me Then baby, I’ll take Texas
v2 Didn’t take much To make me fall A well-timed kiss Another well-placed “Ya’ll” I could see myself Right here Right with you I fit right in Then it all comes true
Chorus
Bridge I lose all sense Lost in that Southern cadence You in white T-shirt and blue jeans on Standing six foot, nine Smiling sly at me Next thing, I’m just doing time Counting minutes Til I trade Manhattan’s skyline
I'm back at Cocoa Beach. Soaking up the sun. Sleeping in late. Reading. Writing.
I've brought along a couple of projects to work on when I'm out of the sun - I had to put them on the back burner when I received the news that a friend from my youth, Ronnie Coleman, had passed away.
I was shocked and saddened by the news. Huntington's Disease had not been kind to him and it had robbed him of many of the things that made him iconic in my memory. His passion and love of dance come to my mind. As a teenager I would marvel at him...he'd watch a video on MTV two times and then replicate it in the living room.
Hands down my favorite memory is when I went with him and a bunch of friends to see Amy Grand in concert in Orlando. We had floor seats just rows from the stage. When the show started he and I were on our feet living the music. That's what you did a concert. You danced. You sang. You joined in the experience.
Not everyone joined in. Ronnie and I were asked by the people sitting behind us if we'd sit down. Repeatedly they asked. We would try...then a song we loved would start and we couldn't contain ourselves...we'd be back on our feet.
Several songs into the concert, and after being asked again, we sat down. Between songs Ms. Grant started talking about music and how it touched people in different ways. Then she added, "Like these two guys over here...just dancing to every song. They came to have a good time. Guys I hope you dance all night. Have a good time!"
With Amy's blessing we did exactly that.
When I think of Ronnie...I think of dance. After receiving the news that he passed away last Friday...I could hardly think of anything else.
I sat down and wrote this song for him...and all those who love him and will miss him.
Dance to the Edge of Heaven 8/11/09 for Ronnie Coleman
v1 Hear the music play No reason to stay Let go, get away Dance to the edge of Heaven
Exhale close your eyes Find your piece of sky Let go, let fly Dance to the edge of Heaven
Chorus This is your time This is your chance Dance to the edge The edge of Heaven Free of a body that kept You on an invisible ledge Dance to the edge The edge of Heaven
v2 Feel the wind in your hair No one there to care Let go, on a dare Dance to the edge of Heaven
Inhale the clean light As you take flight Let go, of the fight Dance to the edge of Heaven
Chorus
Bridge Dance out the day Dance out the night Dance to the One Who holds the light
Dance on your way Dance on your own Dance to the One Who sings you home
I was telling my dear friend Antuan today that I feel like I'm tapped into something different these days.
I've gone the last couple months without writing...songs, in my personal journal, in this BLOG, letters, etc....now...I've hit some underground current. Inspiration has been tailing me lately. I've been inspired by so many things around me.
I'm writing in my journal almost daily...and songs are find their way to me on a daily basis as well...
I commute for work and yesterday as I rode out of the city on the train and then again last night coming back into Manhattan...two songs found me. Both are very different. I know they're only lyrics here...but I do "hear" them in my head. The first I wrote in about four minutes. When I finished I looked up...then looked back down at my chicken scratch and re-read it. It said everything I needed it to say. It's called Name the Fear.
Last night, late, I was heading home. I read a few pages of Harry Potter, took a phone call, listened to my iPod...then stopped and put everything away. Within minutes I had Find Me.
When talking with a couple of friends last week...we talked about fears. One mentioned that if you name the fear - it isn't as scary.
I wasn't sold on the idea.
To me naming the fear meant that not only was it scary...it was scary with a name.
This song is from the other side...written as if I'm a big boy. With no fears and able to save others. In other words, I put myself in someone else's shoes to seem more confident.
Name the Fear 8/5/09 Thanks, KH
v1 Look me in the eyes Sit your soul down Inside my voice Nothing you say can surprise Things will shine through It’ll be clear When you find the words To name the fear
Chorus Baby, name the fear Nothing can reach you here What you’re facing Has to get by me to get to you And I’m not letting anything through I swear All you need to do, is name the fear
v2 That vow of silence, bend I’m not that far ahead Of where you are How it starts, how it ends When what was far Comes dangerously near Cornered in a round room Forced to name the fear Chorus
And the second...
I'm always intrigued by relationships and how well we know the people we love. This song came from really, really thinking about that...
How often do we let people in to see more of who we really are?
Find Me 8/5/09, 8/6/09
I’ve been right I’ve been wrong Come up short And it’s taken long To find me
I’ve been a saint I’ve been a sinner Lost everything To feel like a winner Still I find me
I’ve been there I’ve been back Surrendered Only to attack So I find me Chorus You say That time always tells You say You know me well Truth is You know what I let you see Truth is I’m my own discovery I don’t even know me So can’t ever know You’d be so far ahead, you’d be behind You’d be the first person Standing in the wrong line It’ll just start again So count backwards from ten Then see If you find me
