Since this is my online journal and a journal is where one should bare their soul...my desire is to do just that. I want to be honest and open. Which means I have to share the good with the bad.
For the last few months I've been overwhelmed by Faith - which is a WONDERFUL place to be. When thinking and planning my move to NYC, I was relaxed about everything. I wasn't worried or stressed out. I knew in my soul's core that I was right where I needed to be - doing what I was meant to do. Even down to the last month I've been fine.
Out of no where things shifted. Maybe I glanced at the calendar one to many times and my upcoming departure came alive...I don't know when it shifted but it did. Suddenly I became overwhelmed by Fear - which isn't such a wonderful place to be.
I had a panic attack this morning. I hadn't had one in a couple of years but it's feeling was still way too familiar. Between worrying over the sell of my car, finding an apartment in NYC, packing up my apartment here, the concerts, allergy problems, etc. my body and mind flooded with anxiety.
I am incredibly blessed with great friends. Friends who can and do talk me through moments of fear and uncertainity. I also have a wonderful family who prays for and with me. As all of us stepped through the anxiety and panic I was dealing with, some very real truths about the expectations I put on myself came to the surface. Very rarely do I allow myself the right to be afraid or admit to being scared. I become frustrated with myself if I don't get something right the first time. The truth is...I've never moved to NYC before. I've never had to leave the stability of a great job with people I love and admire. I've never uprooted my life and moved to a place with some many unknowns. When I came to Atlanta (8 1/2 years ago) - I didn't have a job but I was moving to a city I was familiar with and would be living with my Grandparents. Things are different this time...MUCH different.
So, I'm trying to embrace all the aspects of moving. The things that I'm looking forward to as well as the unknown things that scare me. I'm very aware of the fine line between faith and fear.
After the sermon at my Sunday Night church - Circle of Grace - we shared our favorite verses with each other. The following verse from Jeremiah 29:11 was the first to come to mind.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
I know that. I believe that. I need to rest in it.
-J
